


She is Love

by wakemeup



Category: X Factor (US) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-17
Packaged: 2017-12-19 06:42:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wakemeup/pseuds/wakemeup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She is love, and she is all I need.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will be five parts. It's meant to take you through the song 'She is Love' by Parachute. It's a developmental piece. It gets happier. Don't worry. Anything centered and in Italics is a lyric for the song.

Chapter 1

_I've been beaten down_

 

“You can’t do this to yourself anymore. It’s tiring to watch and more than anything else it’s painful. I can’t watch you do this to yourself. You need to figure this out.” She says it to me and I can’t help the tears that begin to betray me. She has this look of sympathy, I don’t need to look up to see it, but it hasn’t change since she realized how much of a mess I am. I don’t expect much of anything anymore.

 

“Camila, please.” She ducks her head down to try and catch my gaze, but I refuse. She’s the only one I’ve let see me cry in a long time. I was wrong to allow that.

 

“I’m sorry. You should go.” She looks at me. I can feel her gaze burning into my skull, but if I look up I won’t mean it anymore. I won’t mean what I’m saying, but she’s right. She shouldn’t have to watch me fall apart every night. I can’t expect her to do that. I hear her begin to walk away. The door clicks up and I don’t hear anything else. The door doesn’t shut. I know she’s waiting for me to stop her. I can’t.

 

I wait.

 

I count out the seconds---- “You let them beat you down. Everyday you let them tear you apart word by word.”--- and when I hit sixteen seconds the doors clicking closed and I lay back onto the floor. I let myself relax for a few minutes. I let Jess go again. I don’t think I want her to come back anymore.

 

It’s been this way for a long time. Thirteen and broken. Best friend gone.

 

_I've been kicked around_

 

It goes worse later. Words will always sting. Everyday was bad. I heard them all.

 

Dyke. Faggot. Slut. Cunt.

 

I lost count. I tried to block them out. I succeeded for a while. A few months felt good because I felt numb. Wake up, eat, go to school, do your homework and go to sleep. Repeat. They noticed.

 

Now I’m waiting. Scared. The clock ticks and third period ends and I try to stay in the classroom with Mr.Stewart, but he ushers me out because he has a staff meeting and I can see them waiting at the end of the hall. I count to twenty-one and they’re done.

 

I go home. My mom thinks it’s because of the sports I’ve been telling her I’m playing. She doesn’t need to know that her daughter is the equivalent of a leper at school.

 

_But she takes it all for me._

My saving grace. Almost fifteen. My mom asks what I want to do for my quince. I don’t have any friends I’d want to go to a party. My family is my everything. I sing with them; laugh with them. I tell her later that I want us all to go to auditions.

 

I count to twenty six before I walk out onto stage.

 

I make it.

  
I’m crying for the first time since Jess left and I can’t help how good it feels this time. Music saves me. She takes it all for me.


	2. Chapter 2

_And I lost my faith, in my darkest days_

“Camila you have to take this slow. You can’t expect yourself to execute these things automatically.” Alejandro says as I sit back and watch as the other girls get through their parts.

“It’s really hard.” Alejandro looks at me knowingly and it scares me.

“You just have to stick through it. Practice makes perfect. And I’ll tell you something, your voice is really unique. You’re special Camila, you all are, but that’s why this group works.” I smile at Alejandro.

It’s been really nice most days. X Factor has been difficult, but that’s expected. I’m adjusting to changes as fast as I can, but all of this is overwhelming. “Take five everyone!” I grab my water and head outside for some air. LA has a familiar heat to Miami and I like that familiarity. I breathe and count as far as thirty one.

“Hey!” I flinch.

“Camila?” Lauren says softer this time after noticing my reaction. Sometimes I get caught off guard it and it happens. I hate that I still do that sometimes. It’s something I should be able to control.   
  
I plaster a smile on. I haven’t had to do that with the girls often, especially with Lauren. I chastise myself and say hello to her.

“Are you okay?” I nod my head and shake it off. I haven’t told any of them what it’s like back home. Why I can’t lose this thing. I don’t want to. I don’t need to. I don’t expect anything. I can’t expect anything.   
  
“I’m okay, thanks though. What’re you doing out here?” Lauren doesn’t smile like I expect her too. Instead she stares back at me; her gaze has always been piercing and it’s unnerving. “What’s wrong?” She avoids my question completely and remains resolved. I hate that.

“Nothing, I’m just a bit tired today.” She looks at me and I can tell she’s skeptical of my response. I grab her hand and walk back inside with her. “Are you ready?”

“As long as you’re there.” She smiles at me and I automatically smile back. I hate that too. I hate that I’m becoming so invested in this, but I know why I am. It’s my golden ticket out of that school and environment. I’m more upset that I’m invested in these girls. Invested in Lauren. The past few weeks have been great, but she’s catching on. In front of the camera and everyone I’m alright. I’m honestly better, happier. But at night I still have bad terrors, I still scream out sometimes. She’s my room mate. I know she’ll find out soon and I’m terrified at what that implies.

I don’t want to hear those words again. Bitch. Dyke. I don’t want them to come from these people because I’m realizing that the attachment I have to them has grown. It’ll hurt more than Jess did. I shiver at the thought.

I feel arms wrap around my waist and I see that Alejandro is talking to us and Lauren’s leaning her head on my shoulder and I tilt my head onto hers in response. She’s touchy.

I can feel that tonight’s already going to be bad. This entire day has been filled with slight mistakes and anxiety. The nightmares always follow days like these. I’m scared. I try to focus on other things. Lauren’s head on my shoulder. Normani and Dinah trying to twerk, Ali joining. Focus.

Focus. Count.

_But she makes me want to believe._

“Camila, please.” I woke up to those words and it sent white heat down my body. I haven’t heard those words since Jess and now it’s Lauren and she can’t go like that too. I don’t know what’s going on but I feel the heat on my face and the sweat on my body and I know that tonight was as bad as I thought it would be.

I sit up and Lauren’s next to me with her hand rubbing up and down my back. My breathing isn’t even and it’s rough and Lauren face is full of worry. I grab onto her her arm tight and started to count. One, two, three, four. As my breathing becomes more natural Lauren’s frame relaxes. I know I can’t get away with this tonight.

“Camz, what’s going on?” I don’t know what to say. I lay back down.

Lauren takes that as an invitation to lay down next to Camila. Camila finds that she doesn’t mind the intrusion. Lauren’s body heat is a nice anchor. Anchor. She anchors me. I have to respond. I don’t know what to say.

“Camila?” Lauren pokes me as she says it.

“Mhm?”

“Talk to me, please? This hasn’t been the first time and it scares me.” Lauren shifts onto her side so that she’s facing Camila, her hand resting on the younger girls waist. Camila remains laying on her back.

“I’m sorry.” My mind is racing and I’m going to get a headache from crying like this like I always do, but I’m tired of this all. Tired of being terrified to sleep and worrying others. Tired of hiding it.

“Don’t be. Please don’t be. Just talk to me.” Lauren’s voice is filled with urgency. I admire the way she cares for people. I admires Lauren. I can’t lose Lauren. These thoughts are at the forefront of my mind now. Racing through. It’s too much. I turn my body away from Lauren and lays on my side, curled up. I just wants the thoughts to stop now. It hurts.

“Camz.” Lauren hesitantly scoots forward and wraps her arms around the younger girl. I tense. Lauren remains as she is till she feels the other girl relax.

“I’m sorry, Lauren.” Her body begins to shake despite her determination to remain still. Tears are falling, but she’s not making a sound. Lauren knows that Camila has had practice at this. “I--” I still don’t know what to say to her.

“I can wait.” Lauren says as she continues to run her thumb in circles over my wrist. It’s intimate. I don’t know what that means either. I have nightmares. I should tell her that.

“I have nightmares some nights.” I whisper it and it’s silent enough in this room that even her breathing is crystal clear. I know she hears me.

“They’re frequent.” Lauren says. I can imagine her frown without looking at her. “What are they about, Camz?” I tense up. I can’t help it. I still remember tonights. I want them to go away. Do I tell her? I shake my head and shut my eyes tight. No more tears. No more.

“Camila, tell me. I can try and be here. I can do what you need. Please, just let me in. Watching you have these and not being able to wake you up from them some nights is terrifying. I don’t want to feel like you’re hurting when I can try and help.” I take that in. I curl into myself tighter and her body adjusts around mine.

I know she takes my silence as a bad thing. She thinks I’m shutting her out. I know Lauren. I’m not trying to. I want to tell her, but it’s hard to trust anyone at all. Not when I don’t know if she’ll be around.

“I know it’s not just the nightmares. I see how you flinch sometimes. How you get back to the house and just lock yourself up in our room and listen to music. I don’t know what it was, but you can tell me.” She continues the motions. Her legs are tucked under mine. Her thumb rubbing my wrist like before. Her breathing against my back.

“I don’t know how to say it all.” I mumble. One, two, three, four, five. Thirty five seconds. I count the seconds as they stretch out. I wonder if she’s had enough.

“Can you turn around?” I do. I turn around. As soon as I settle myself her hands go back to touching my waist and my wrist. Her feet tangle with mine. Anchor.

“It’s three twenty-seven in the morning. I’ve been up since two-thirty listening to you crying and mumbling and I’ve never been more worried. I thought it would pass. It didn’t. You finally woke up and I need to know what this is Camila because I don’t know what to do. I care about you. You’re my best friend and whatever just happened, I can’t lose you.” She looks at me as she says and her eyes are bright even at three twenty-eight in the morning. I get what she’s saying but I don’t want to really hear her. I don’t want to know what this means.

Her hand comes up to my face. She’s cupping my cheek and that thumb is running patterns on my cheek now. I close my eyes and take that in. “I don’t know how to let you in.” My words hit her palm.

“Tell me what they’re about?”

“Will you stay?” I don’t know if she knows what I mean, but she blinks and those green eyes disappear for a little too long and my hand goes to her cheek too. I can’t help what I’m doing and I don’t know if it’s exhaustion that’s compelling me to respond so intimately, but it works. She opens her eyes again and smiles at me. “I’ll wait right here.” I swallow and close my eyes to focus myself.

“I was bullied back in Miami. Never fit in right. Especially---” I stop to gather myself. I can do this. I want to do this for her. “Especially after they all found out I’m gay.” I close my eyes to continue. I don’t have the strength to do this, but her hand is still right on my cheek and my wrist. “So it got bad. Started off as losing friends---” Jess. “----and then the verbal harassment that teenagers are good at--” I chuckle a bit. Humor helps with this all. “And for awhile it got bad, but then I started to block it out, numb it all.” My hand goes to waist as I think of the next thing to say. My fingers trace over the two inch scar left there after being pushed into a locker too hard. It still hurts when I push too hard.

Lauren’s hand leaves my cheek to grab my fingers that are at my waist. She tangles them together and brings them up to her face. She rests them against her side of the pillow. “Go on?” I nod.

“They noticed. So they got physical.” I can’t say much else. She notices that I’m struggling. She smiles. I don’t know why.

“Camz?”

“Mhm?”

“I’ll beat them up.” I laugh a little at that and she brings me closer to her. Tucks my head under chin and holds me till I fall back asleep. She makes me want to believe that she’ll stay.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 (Lauren’s POV)

_Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,_

 

“Do what you have to, Lo.” Out of all my allies I thought Dinah to be the unlikeliest. After all, the two had grown close and I thought that Camila would have told her to tell me to back off by now, but I should know not to expect anything from Dinah. She always surpasses any expectation I could have.

 

She’s sitting here with me and I’m wondering what else I could possibly do. It’s frustrating and I think that maybe I should throw in the towel. The thought passes by and I instantly feel the uneasiness that comes with giving up. Nausea. As if Dinah can read my thoughts she settles herself into the seat beside me.

 

Her hand arm comes to wrap around my shoulders. “Has she told you? About any of it is?” Dinah shakes her ‘no’ after a second of thought. I almost think she’s lying, but I know she isn’t capable.

 

“I don’t think she will, to be honest.” My thoughts are shattered by Dinah’s words. I look at her intently and wonder if she’s okay with that. Wonder how she feels about it all. “All of know that we each have our past and Mila, more than any of us, is determined to keep it hidden.” It’s true, but I know. I know what happened.

 

“Are you okay with that?” Dinah stands up and walks over to grab her drink sitting on the dining table. She’s a different person back here, at the house with us. I mean, I didn’t realize that she had a version of herself that could be serious. I don’t mean to sound as though I didn’t think she had a personality, but I just saw her as someone who was mostly carefree and silly.

 

“I don’t think it matters much to me. I support her and all of you in the best way I can and I do this for you.” She motions at the space between us. “And I do things like pranks with her.” I nod my head in contemplation.

 

I think that sometimes I overthink things. “I’m stuck.” Dinah nods as though she gets it. Completely gets it. At this point I think she may. I rest my head against the blue pillow at the edge of the sofa. Dinah sits so she’s adjacent to me. I still feel the weight of indecision in my stomach. It’s unnerving. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to go about figuring it out. If I’m honest with myself now I know that this is the first time in a long time that caring about someone else has mattered much to me.

 

I think Dinah’s figured that bit out too. I think that’s why she’s bothering to talk to me at all. I’m over thinking again.

 

“What’re you stuck on?” I wonder how someone can look so aloof while being serious. I think it’s a talent.

 

“I’m there for her already.” Dinah nods. I wonder how to successfully get my point across. This is infuriating. “I’m there for her as her best friend and in some way, I know I’m helping. It’s slow, but it’s progress and that’s what I want.” I close my eyes and dig my fingers into the fabric of the sofa. “But I’ve come to realize that’s not all I want.” I never came out, not as bisexual, but I think everyone already knew. I wasn’t quiet about my girl crushes or anything. I don’t really care about that. I feel like I’m straddling a fine line.

 

“So you want her?” Dinah’s not frowning. I can even think I can detect a small smirk. I just nod, not really knowing what to do.

 

“It’s hard to help her and want her. I don’t know where my boundaries are with her and I don’t want to overstep.” I turn and scream frustratedly into the pillow.

 

“I think you can simplify this.” I just wait and listen. Not wanting to turn around because I know I’m red from embarrassment.

 

“Just tell her.” I thought about it.

 

 

_But I waited patiently._

 

I’ve thought about it for weeks now. Well I told her. Since then we’ve been the same. Dinah knows and she’s been supportive, helping me out when she can, but now Normani and Ali know as well. It’s surprising how little they all cared about my crush. I mean they care about me, just not that I like a girl.

 

I drop the strawberries in blender and pour in some milk. Ali scoops the vanilla ice cream in and we shut the lid so we can blend it. As we wait I scoop some ice cream out of the tub with my finger and lick it. Ali laughs at that and shuts it before I can ‘contaminate the entire thing’ with my germs.

 

Second to Camila I have to say that I’m closest to Ali. Since telling her about what was going on, I’ve spent a lot of nights outside with her just trying to figure things out. Since then one word has stuck in my head. _Patience_.

 

I have to wait. I have to be patient. Camila knows now. And she’s allowed her time to figure herself out as well. I’m just scared I’m waiting around for heartbreak. It’s your gamble. Normani’s words now. And I told her then that I was willing to take that gamble.

 

“Can I have the bigger glass?” Camila bounces into the room and takes my ‘bigger’ glass and walks off with it with a wink. I’m tempted to follow just to playfully scold her, but Ali just laughs and pours me half of hers.

 

“She’s horrible.” I say with a sigh.

 

Ali looks at me and just drinks some of her smoothie. “You know that’s a lie.” I sigh again and move towards the seats on the other side of the island.

 

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I can’t try and convince myself.” I laugh and Ali’s got that sisterly look on. I imagine I must look terribly pathetic.

 

“Why do you like her?” I take a big gulp of my smoothie to buy myself some time. But as I do finish it I still don’t have anything on my mind. “Why do you want to know?”

 

“It’s cute, plus it’s good to talk about these things.” She smiles and seats herself on the stool next to me.

 

I get up and motion for her to follow. We walk outside and sit on the tire swings that are across from one another.

 

“I don’t really know to be honest.” That’s the truth. I’ve had moments where certain aspects of her have stuck out and I’m left stunned and grasping for my pride, but I’ve never been able to do it collectively. Never been able to explain it.

 

“Well, let’s figure it out.” I think Ali’s southern twang is extremely adorable. Something that adds to Ali’s overall charm. I nod and she asks me what exactly it is that made me realize it. I think about it and wonder what there is to tell.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe an overwhelming instinct to protect her? Even from things I didn’t realize she needed protecting from.” Ali smiles and nods encouragingly. I want her to say something so I allow myself the silence for both of us to think.

 

“I’ve been in love once. It’s not exactly the best feeling. Back home, it was easy to be carefree. I think I fell in love with that once, but that’s not the point.” Her laugh rings through the silence around us and I feel the warmth of the sun crashing through the trees. I get what she’s saying about being carefree. I could be carefree in this moment.

 

“He was just a refreshing dose of reality. I was all giggles and bubbly personality and he was all smiles and reasoning, but it just worked. He held me down when I needed it and I lifted him up when he wanted to be.”

 

I stare at her as she continues to speak about her first love and I wonder if that’s what this is. I study Ali’s face and can see the pure projection of memories that she’s experiencing can’t help but smile myself. “I don’t know though, Lo.” She knocks me out of my reverie. “It’s different for every person. You may not even be in love with her, but you should think about how you feel because maybe that’s what she needs to hear.”

 

I smile and nod and start kicking at the ground to propel myself forward. The air surrounds me and I take in the cool breeze. It’s a nice contrast to the stifling hot summer in LA. Contrasts. That’s what Ali was talking about. Does Camila contrast me? Or better yet compliment me? Is that what I like about her?

 

“Maybe you should think about your experiences with her so far instead of what you could possibly turn into. Think of it as observational.” She’s right.

 

“I remember the first time we were roommates. That first night was stayed awake and spoke about the competition and our fears. I spoke a lot about going home. She just laid there and I remember throwing something at her thinking she had fallen asleep.” Ali laughs.

  
Every time since then has been different. Every night and even every day we speak it’s different. “Every time I see her it's like a new feeling. I learn something new every time. I feel happy around her. She make me happy. It's always something new, which is weird because it's like it shouldn't be. Everything's supposed to get old at some point, but it doesn't.” I’ve stopped swinging at this point and I feel as though I’ve finally got it. The right note. The right sound.


	4. Chapter 4

 

Chapter 4

_It was all the same, all my pride and shame,_

 

"Hey! Mila!" Normani’s voice could be heard clearly even from across the room. I turn around to see that she's waiting for me to come over. I nod from behind the stage and grab two waters; mine and Lauren’s and head back onto the stage for the question portion of the tour. It’s late July now, we’re ‘harmonizing America’ in Miami.

 

My family is here though. I'm thankful for that. My mom and dad have always been incredible parents. I jog over to Ali and put on a silly face while I throw Lauren her water. It’s been nearly a month now since she told me she likes me. It’s something I haven’t let myself think about it for too long because I just end up going in circles.

 

I settle in my seat and look out over the crowd of people. It’s overwhelming sometimes. Realizing every other day that we are real. That we made it and are continuing to make it as a group. I smile a little at one of the little girls in the very front of the line waiting to get her stuff signed.

 

Music has been a constant. Something I adore with every bit of who I am. When X Factor was around, it was nerve wracking and every day was a battle to make it to the end. I was scared of messing up and losing it for all of us, but this small tour, it’s been different than that. We step up onto that tiny stage and it all just comes together. I feel calmer, more confident even. I know that I’m doing what I can for myself and for others up there.

 

The nightmares have weaned off. Lauren spent every night she could before the tour started with me. She’s helped a lot. Even now, touring, knowing she’s close by is enough for me. This entire tour, which hasn’t even been that long, has exposed me to things I didn’t think I needed to see. Knowing that other girls are struggling with similar circumstances is empowering. It’s helped me move forward. I need to move forward in order to sort my life out. “Mila.” Ali pokes me on the side and points at the girls that are walking forward towards us and my smile is automatic, but genuine.

 

“Sneak in a selfie!” I tell the girl in front of me who is honestly the cutest little girl ever. We both make silly faces and she walks over to Ali to get her signature. We continue that way for a while, signing and engaging in conversation with the everyone. I get to the next person and I don’t look up and ask for their name, I’m not supposed to personalize, but these are harmonizers. “Chelsea.” I look up instantly and my stomach turns.

 

“That’s the same look you’d give me in school.” The laugh she makes afterwards is accompanied by a few others and I glance behind her to see that she’s with five other girls. That feeling in my stomach intensifies. “This is only temporary, you know? I bet you’re happy rooming with four other girls.” I have an urge to turn and run like I did before, but I don’t want to make a scene. The security guards come over to urge them to hurry up because they’re holding up the line, but all the girls have turned to me and I know that my face is telltale sign enough that something is wrong.

 

“Is there a problem?” It’s Lauren’s voice I hear. I turn to look at her and hope she doesn’t say much else. “We were just having a chat with our old friend here.” Chelsea bypassed the rest of the girls and her crew followed. One girl, Sam stopped in front of me, “Do they even know you’re a dyke?” She said it loud enough for at least Ali and Lauren to hear. I just bite my tongue and try to hold out for the rest of the harmonizers. I’ve got too much pride to admit who they are and that they’ve hurt me.

 

_And she put me on my feet._

 

When we finished up I remain as I am and walk slowly out after the girls. Lauren hangs behind as I expected she would and she clasps our hands together.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Do I?

 

“Not really.”

 

“Then we won’t.” She smiles and starts jogging towards the bus. I almost trip still astonished she can run in heels. “Lauren!” She turns and stops abruptly. “Yes?” That smile.

 

“Nothing.” I just smile back. “I’m going to carry you.” She leans over and tries to hook my legs over her arms. I scream as she succeeds and when we get to the door of the bus she tries to fit us through together, but it doesn’t work. I laugh and tell her to put me down. She obliges and says “I’ll beg management to stop for pizza and ice cream?” I smile again and hug her. She hugs back and I hadn’t meant for this hug to be long or anything, but she’s holding on and my body’s rested against hers.

 

“You have to get me sprinkles.” I mumble and her body begins to shake in laughter.

 

“It doesn’t take much to make you happy, does it?” She says as she lets go. I think about that and wonder if she’s talking about this instance alone or everything’s that been going on. She’s been waiting. I realize that she’s been waiting for me to say something about it. I owe her that. Just like that a moment can turn serious. It’s up to me. For once, something’s up to me and I’ve left her hanging.

 

“You make me happy.” Lauren stares at me. Searching for the meaning in my statement and I shrug. The bus starts moving and we go to settle on the couch. The other girls nowhere around.

  
“You can’t just say things like that, y’know?” Lauren says in response. I can’t tell what’s about to happen, but maybe it’s time I figure things out for the both of us.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_And when that world slows down, dear. And when those stars burn out, here._

 

“Move out of the waaaay!” Dinah says as Ally laughs at her enthusiasm. Dinah’s always cranky after being up for too long. We just got off the plane in Barcelona. We’ve got one show and then we’re allowed a week for vacations on our own.

 

“Dinah, you should probably try and sleep before the concert.” Lauren says as she laughs at the way Normani is imitating the cranky girl. “We have five hours. I’m going to crash and if you know what’s good for you you’ll give me my beauty sleep!” We all laugh as she walks away.

 

“Anyone else hungry? We have that long till we need to be back at the hotel.” I nod my head yes and Ally leads the way. We’ve never been to Barcelona before, but it’s beautiful. We stop every once in awhile when someone recognizes us. Lauren grips my hand tighter when a scooter zooms by a little too close to us. “Watch yourself, Cabello.” I look over to her and she’s grinning stupidly.

 

“Four years now and you haven’t learned that I live on the edge?” Lauren smiles and leans in to kiss my forehead. I pout at her. I lean forward and give her a small peck on the lips. _Everytime I’m with you it’s different. And lately I’m realizing that it’s all that I want._ Her words echo in my head.

 

“Stop being gross and c’mon!” Normani says as we enter into a small cafe. We order our food; language barriers stand no chance against our hungry stomachs. “Are you guys excited for the show tonight?” Mani asks us all. It’s not our first world tour. We’ve been together as a group now for almost five years. Lauren and I together for almost four now.

 

“I’m always excited to perform.” I say. Ally nods in agreement. “I’m excited for our break.” Normani says and Lauren nods excitedly. “I think Dinah’s the most excited.” We all laughed at.

 

“I’m going back to Texas for a bit to visit my parents. What’re y’all doing?” Ally hasn’t lost her southern twang after all these years. It’s comforting that some things haven’t changed at all. “I’m probably going home for a little and then to Hawaii with Dinah.” The waiter interrupts us and hands us all of our plates. We dig in and the silence remains in the air for awhile while we all satisfy our hunger.

 

“What about you guys?” Ally asks.

 

“Well I’m leaving Camz here while I go on an adventure.” I smack Lauren automatically. She laughs as do the other girls. “I actually have no idea, to be honest.” Lauren says in correction. I grin at that because it was my turn to plan for our vacation. “It’s my turn. She doesn’t get to know.” Ally and Normani laugh at the exasperated look on Lauren’s face.

 

\------------------------

 

“Thank you Barcelona!” Dinah says as we finish our last encore. We exit the stage carefully and head to our dressing rooms.

 

“Our flight leaves in three hours. So we’re heading to the airport soon.” Dinah says as her and Normani take off their heels.

 

“Mine leaves in the morning so I’m going back to the hotel and crashing. I’m exhausted.” Lauren helps Normani grab everything and I lay on the couch exhausted as well. Tours always wear us out and we’re lucky that we’ve scheduled in a break.

 

“Hey you.” I open my eyes, which is more difficult than it should be. I’m greeted with Lauren’s face next to mine. She’s somehow squeezed herself next to me on the small couch without waking me up at all.

 

“Mhm.” I say as I kiss her cheek and close my eyes again. “We have to get going you know.” I quirk one eyebrow up and open my eyes. Looking around I realize that everyone else has gone.

 

“Where is it that we’re going exactly?” Lauren asks me. I smile and get up fro my comfortable position. My plans start tomorrow.

 

“You don’t get to know that.”

 

“You’re evil.”

 

“You love me, Jauregui.” I wink and we link hands as we head out and into the black SVU that’s waiting for us outside.

 

\--------------------

 

“Wake.” Kiss. “Up.” Kiss. “Right.” Kiss. “Now.” Lauren shuts her eyes tighter and I can tell she’s doing just so I will continue to kiss her. Typical. I give her one more kiss, just because I can’t stop myself, and tug her blanket off.

 

“Hey!” She shoots up.

 

“We have to go soon!” Her eyes widen and she wonders what I’m talking about.

 

“I have plans for us, you know. You’re being rude by making us late for them.” Lauren just smiles and gets up, dressed in just her t-shirt and walks over to me. Over the years, I’ve come to really appreciate her work outs. Sexy is an understatement.

 

When she’s no more than a few inches away from me she wraps her arms around my neck. “Where are you--” She kisses me, slow and sweet, the way I imagine the sun rises and touches the Earth. “--taking me.” Her forehead rests against mine; eyes closed.

 

I take this in. Just us two, standing in the middle of our hotel suite, sunlight seeping into our space, invading our morning. I wrap my arms around her back so that we’re hugging.

 

“Go shower.” Lauren ‘hmpph’s me and grabs my hand to drag me into the bathroom with her. I don’t fight it.

 

\----------------

 

“Baby, when are you gonna give in and tell me what we’re doing?” I laugh at that because I don’t have absolutely everything figure out, but I know what we’re doing tonight.

 

“Let’s just enjoy Barcelona?” She nods her head and looks out the window. I asked a driver to take us into the heart of the city. When the car stops we hop out and Lauren’s arm wraps around my waist. “Let’s go.” We walk around aimlessly, touring the city by ourselves. She points out buildings she finds particularly interesting and beautiful. We even stop for lunch at a random little mom and pop looking restaurant and get some authentic food. Lauren holds my hand the entire time we’re eating and even laughs when I try to steal some of her food. I remember what she said again; this never gets old.

 

“It’s getting dark out, should we head back?” I shake my head ‘no’ and she looks at me questioningly.

 

“We’ve got a date.” I’d honestly do anything for that smile. I think I probably have. “But after you give me a piggyback ride.” She just turns around and I hop on her back. We take a few pictures like that together before I call someone to pick us up.

 

When the car arrives I give them a paper with the address on it and he takes us there. I’m nervous, but excited. We’ve never done anything like this before and it took a great deal of work to figure out how to do it, but I think she’ll love it. Lauren’s always loved things with great thought. It’s about time I started woo’ing her all over again.

 

“Here we are.” The driver says. Lauren looks out the window and her confusion is pretty great. I step out and open the door for her. We’re at the top of a hill, barcelona’s small townhomes packed tightly against one another. I point at the colorfully painted blue one and we head over. It’s a small inn, one I found after banging my head against my computer after not being able to think of anything to do.

 

“Why’re we going to an inn? Our stuffs back at our hotel.” I just smile and lead her towards the inside. A young man greets us and I tell him that I called a few days ago and gave him my name. He smiles and tells me to call down if I need anything. The place is small, very authentic and quaint.

 

“Camz?” Lauren says my name as we head up the stairs.

 

“Mhm?” I say as I concentrate on the narrow passage.

 

“I love you.” I stop and turn around to say it back, but she stops it by kissing me.

 

“C’mon.” I say as I continue up. When we get to the door I turn the knob and pray it looks as good as it did in the pictures. “Wow.” It slips out when I step onto the flat square rooftop. The suns already begun to set, but it’s still beautiful. Lauren’s beside me and we stare up at the orange-tainted sky in awe. We’ve seen a lot of things together, in many different places, but nature of this magnitude is meant to stun us. Remind us that we are only a small part of a bigger picture.

 

I look and see that they’ve set up an area on the flat concrete that can be slept on as I asked. I walk over there and sit on the edge of the small inflatable mattress. It’s small, but it’s exactly what I asked for. Lauren follows me over and sits behind me, arms wrapped around so that they’re clasped around my front and her chin resting on my shoulder.

 

“It’s all really beautiful.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Always.” I say back and I’m playing with her fingers and allow her the next move.

 

_Oh she'll be here, yes she'll be here._

 

“How’d you find this place?” She asks after a little while. We’re eating dinner up here, cooked by the woman who owns this place.

 

“We can chalk that up to luck.” She smiles, it touches her green eyes. The suns set fully now and we’ve got two lamps, the small mattress, and a few blankets. Nothing super special, but enough.

 

“I wonder where we’ll settle down.” I say as I look past her and at the rows upon rows of colorful homes and the Barcelona skyline. She looks at me curiously and I know that slipped out without an actual reason.

 

“We’ve got a few more tour dates and then we go back to LA or wherever and relax before we decide on anything else, yeah?” Lauren says.

 

“I know.” I set my fork down and drink some water. The table we’re eating over is low, so that we can sit on the floor and eat. I scoot out from the table and go to stand over the ledge. Looking down and seeing some kids still running around after dark.

 

“It’s four years and six months.” She says as she approaches me. I smile and I know she knows it even if she can’t see it.

 

“I love that you do these things even after so long.”

 

“You deserve it.”

 

“We’re pretty crazy, you know?” Lauren says it in response and I just turn to face her.

 

“How so?”

 

“In a girl group, dating, practically married---” My eyebrow raises at that and Lauren just smiles and continues, “---and we still act like we’re young and naive.” I laugh at that. She’s making fun of us

 

“We lost that awhile ago.” She nods. Becoming stars meant giving up a lot, but we had each other, despite the bumps along the way.

 

“Tell me something?” I ask her after a short period of silence.

 

“You used to count when you were having trouble and it’s something you still do when you’re frustrated or nervous now.” I look at her. It’s dark, but her eyes are clear. I glance down a see that her hair is still as long as ever, perfect. My hand goes to her neck, thumb stroking her pulse.

 

“Bad habit, I think.” I say.

 

“It’s cute. It’s also how I know when I’m in trouble.” I smile.

 

“Let’s have another four years and six months.” She says. I lean forward to kiss her. I can feel her hand slipping just a bit under my shirt to stroke my hipbone and her lips angling just the slightest so that I open my mouth.

 

I can feel the way her body molds right into mine and how she’s kissing me now was different from how she usually kisses me. This ones slow, but urgent. I slip my hand under her shirt so that I’m running my fingers along her spine and she shivers. Our lips disconnect for a few seconds, her hot breath falling on my lips as she takes in air. I whisper something like ‘how about forever’ and she kisses me with her smile still planted on her face and I know that that’s enough.

  
  



End file.
